I just finished watching It Ends With Us. I cannot help but remember all the times I’ve felt unsafe with a man or men.

The movie has received some criticism for not being able to capture the depth of domestic violence, both the physical and emotional level of manipulation and Blake Lively has received criticism for taking a light-hearted approach to the message of the movie during promotions.

I agree with some of the criticisms but would still recommend watching it especially if you haven’t or are unlikely to read the book. The movie will unlock different memories, especially for women. I recommend watching it irrespective of your gender. Because there is no woman, and I mean no woman who has not felt that fear where in that moment, your body and being is under threat. 

I do have to add that Blake Lively and Justin Baldoni do an excellent job of making you fall in love with them from their first scene together. Their chemistry is palpable. If you’re ovulating while you watch their intimate scenes, my sympathies, or not! 

But when things start to go awry, initially it’s tough to watch but you start to see and you begin to resonate with the signs. 

The signs, they are always there. Just that we’ve been sold fairytale love stories and often we also want to believe our relationship is one. Because if you’re not with Prince Charming then you’re probably doing it wrong, isn’t that always the message ladies? And also we’ve been taught to equate butterflies in the stomach to excitement when infact it’s anxiety. 

Also on a parallel note, Justin Baldoni is a walking green flag in reality. 

I don’t want to give out any spoilers but I am going to share a story. If you are a woman, both cisgender or trans gender then you know that we each have a million stories of abuse, but I’m going to dig into just one. I’ve edited this review a few times because there are a few hesitations. I’ve come to realise that men are unable to grasp the gravity of patriarchy and the effect it has on our lives. These are the ‘not all men’ men. This unfortunately has them choosing to carry on with their life as if the job of levelling the field of existence rests solely on the shoulders of women.

Sometimes I wonder how we still choose happiness even with every system rigged against us. Women are a miraculous species. 

This movie, brought back many memories, which I’ve healed from, most of them at least, but it brought back one, which while seemingly subtle was enough to alter many things in my life. One of my favourite women, Glennon Doyle Melton says that when writing or sharing about trauma in particular, write from the scar and not from the wound, which translates into writing about it when you’ve healed. This allows the wisdom to come in.

So this is one of my scars. You never forget your first. 

I remember my first time of abuse with a known person. Of course plenty of other times with unknown men but the known one is seared into my brain. 

I had just turned 18. I was at a house party and the music in the living room got really loud and I had a headache. I’m also an introvert and social gatherings are not easy for me.

My ex-boyfriend who had cheated on me was there and so was the girl he cheated on me with. Except they had broken up three or four days ago. 

I went to the only bedroom in that house for some quiet time to soothe the headache. I entered the room, closed the door behind me and didn’t really notice that the ex was there. Maybe he was sulking because the girl that he broke up with was at the party too, cozying up to some other guy. I sat on the bed and realized we were in the room alone. He asked me how I was and I answered fine because I really did not want to talk to him. I’m not somebody who is friends with their exes. 

I immediately felt uncomfortable, women know this feeling, we feel it in our solar plexus first and then in the gut. My head was still hurting but I got up to leave. He immediately stood in front of the door. The music was so loud that even if I screamed nobody would have heard. 

I told him I wanted to leave. He however put his right hand on the door preventing me from opening it. I froze. You know that feeling ladies, where you know you want to get the fuck out of there but you also cannot believe this is happening to you. That was me. I was afraid. I knew him. I dated him. But I was afraid. I asked him repeatedly to step aside. He then demanded that I give me a kiss first. 

I said no. My boyfriend was outside and I was madly in love with him. The ex then proclaimed that he wouldn’t open the door until I kissed him. I was so scared. You know I knew people were on the other side of that door but I was in freeze mode. My prefrontal cortex had shut down. 

I said, okay but on the cheek. He agreed. He leaned and I kissed him on the left cheek and in that split of the moment when he was being kissed I grabbed the handle and opened the door and ran into the living room. 

He walked out behind me. 

I was in shock. I didn’t tell anyone because I was in FUCKING shock. I’ve never been afraid of someone I know. 

You know what happened at the end of that party? He told people we made out. Whether to get back at that girl or whatever. He told people we MADE OUT. Like it was consensual. Like I wanted too. 

My boyfriend at that time, who was the first person I’d fallen in love with, believed him. He broke up with me that very day. In fact everyone believed him. 

I was so angry and heartbroken. I had been sexually harassed and nobody believed me. Infact they thought I cheated on my boyfriend who was in the next room. 

I’m older now. Twelve years later. I am a feminist, the 99% kind (supremely recommend reading Feminism for the 99%) . I have been called a man-hater. But this doesn’t bother me anymore. I have witnessed a lot of sexual harassment and harassment, mostly because I worked on sexual harassment redressal committees for nearly 4 years with over 30 organizations. 

I have also dated men who have punched walls while we fought. I walked out for fear my face would be next. I have done things I would not have consented too with other men only because I was afraid and alone. I have had friends and currently still have friends who have been hit by their boyfriends. Or forced into doing things because they were afraid. This is not new information for girls and women. We talk about this to each other. If we are lucky we have friends, sisters and mothers with whom we can speak and heal with. I have younger friends and older friends, and I’m privileged to be able to share and heal with them and through them. I know there are so many women, especially trans women who cannot share their lived experiences. 

I don’t know what part of you healed or resonated with this story. I’m sharing this because I cannot pretend I’m above experiences of abuse. Paris Hilton, shared her story recently on her experiences of abuse. So yes, even an heiress is not untouched. 

The question shouldn’t be, should we share our stories or why do women choose to stay with such people or more ‘why women’ questions. Justin Baldoni in an interview said the question is ‘Why do men harm’. And I would like to add, why do non violent men choose denial? Denial is an enabler. As long as you pretend this isn’t happening, we will continue to be abused, harassed, not believed or worse, like the girl in Kolkatta, murdered.

To paraphrase something I read on Instagram, men keep saying not all men or not me, but ALL women have a story of abuse. The math is currently not mathing.

Until this improves, it will always be ALL MEN for me.